Monday, August 29, 2005

Access all areas

Access all areas: 1

Okay, so on Friday, I went to the Tate Modern and saw the amazing Frida Kahlo exhibition. Amaaaazing. Afterwards, I sauntered around other parts of the gallery, and found my favourite installation, Robert Smithson's Mirror Vortex.

The Mirror Vortex, as its name suggests, is essentially a vortex of mirrors. When you dip your head over, all while maintaining a respectable distance from the rope marked 'Do Not Cross', you can see yourself from at least 25 zillion trillion angles. At least. Anyway, while I worked out my most dubious angles to be viewed from (spanning 180 to 270 degrees; a necessary George Michael-style footnote to my press-kit), I heard someone bleat:

"Madam! Madam!"

All rather urgently.

Intrigued with my own image, I didn't think anything of it.

Then, I had a tap on my shoulder.

"Huh?" I replied, extracting my head from the chatty company of myself repeated 25 zillion trillion times over.

It was gallery staffmember in a big orange jacket. Security, actually.

"Madam, you are climbing on the exhibit. Please step away."

And me, an abashed modern-art Narcissus, mumbled: "Sorry, I was intrigued. I got to see myself from 25 zillion trillion angles. At least."

Then, I scuttled into another installation, a room, actually, where I got to observe myself on four television monitors, all while I negotiated a big white cube. Naturally, this kept me intrigued for 10 minutes longer than most normal patrons. At least.


Access all areas: 2

Today, I was rather hung over, after a friend's birthday drinks (well, Nath's birthday. SeaPea and Robbie B: he's drinking well!). Gill and I decided to meet up with our friend Miri at Hyde Park. So, we caught a red double-decker bus. Miri said she was at Marble Arch. We were in the general vicinity, saw an arch made possibly of marble and alighted. As we ambled along, we noticed a bunch of people coming out of a gate. I started walking in.

A bobby (hat and all) leapt in front of me:

"Sorry, can't I go in there?!" I said, surprised.

"No, madam, you may not!" he replied.

"How come? Our friend's in there?"

"Really?! Well, you can't come in this way," he chuckled, calmly blocking me as I craned my neck around.

"This is Hyde Park, isn't it?" Gill said.

Now the policeman and his policeman mate were cackling.

"Look at that razor wire!" one hooted.

"Look at those great bloomin' barbs and cameras!" the other one double-hooted.

"Yes?" Gill and I said.

"In England, our parks are public. Anyone can enjoy them!" explained the second officer. "This is not Hyde Park."

"Well, where are we, then?!" I exclaimed.

"Buckingham Palace," he replied rather flatly ... before laughing and, I believe, pointing at us.

Oh.

"Now, I need your names," said the first officer. "Where are you ladies from? Australia, I gather?"

"Yeah, Melbourne!" I cheered.

"No, New Zealand!" hissed Gill, all subterfuge.

"I take it parks are pretty tough in Melbourne, are they?" he smirked, again pointing at the wire, barbs and surveillance cameras.

"Very!" I lied.

"Do you really need our names?" Gill asked.

"Yes, it's to go in my book of stupid questions," he replied, bandying about an imaginary book.

Only after we insisted "Well, where is it, then?" did they point us in the direction of Hyde Park, up the road and around the corner.

Oh, how we laughed jolly laughs about our little security breach and counted ourselves lucky for not being gunned down in cold blood, or having the rabied gnashing hounds - well, corgis - set upon us. Such is the sign o' the times.

Ho ho ho!

28 Comments:

At 2:19 AM, Blogger nicole said...

I love your retort of "but my friend's in there" to the bobby - going to visit the Queen for high tea?!

Momo, they are the funniest stories I've read all day!!

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger JellyGirl said...

teeheehee. Your stories are always absolutly delightful!

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger deborah said...

Hahaha, great stuff.

You've got the English story telling down pat!

 
At 9:43 AM, Anonymous naridu said...

Security guards and Bobbies(is that the correct form, looks like it should read boobies, but nevermind), hmm...could you try some pyromaniacal entertainment and see if you can catch us an english fireman? ;)

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Nina said...

wow, that was one witty and funny police officer! a bit on the rude side though. anyways, you almost broke into buckingham palace! Oô

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Steph said...

But I thought you were royalty? Silly bobbies, not recognizing blog royalty.

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous alexandria said...

ahhhh.... you can take the girl away from the blog but you can't take the blog away from the girl.... or the other way around or something like that i suppose. great to see you back in cyberspace momo!

 
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