Monday, January 23, 2006

The perfect hostess

So, I was the perfect hostess at our (early) Australia Day party on Saturday night. At least for a couple of hours. When I knew everyone there. There I was, drinking cheap (but good) Spanish cava, having a dandy old time dressed as Courtney Compagnino from Young Talent Time. I was a perfect eight-year-old singing-dancing dynamo in a high side ponytail single-handedly polishing off all the cheese Twisties a girl dressed as Olivia Newton-John in the Physical filmclip had bought along as an offering of Australianness. I ate them all not out of selfish gluttony and no mind for anyone else who might have felt like a cheddar-flavoured twisty cocktail treat from our homeland, you see, but pure gratitude.

But then, at some point, a whole bunch of unknowns turned up and started playing with the iPod. Right in the crescendo bit at the start of Franz's Take Me Out. Right while I was busting out the best of my YTT moves. That's when The Nasty Streak surfaced. If anything is ever going to surface The Nasty Streak, it will be unknowns messing with the iPod while I'm dancing to it.

"OI! Stop messing with the stereo, you bastards!" I spat, "I can't see any of you LIVING HERE AND OWNING THE STEREO!"

Then, I turned to the three people I was dancing with and loudly announced while wildly pointing around, "I hate every [obscene swearword] here. Except you guys, of course."

Which is often a good way to make friends with strangers in your home. Wildly pointing and calling them obscene names.

Later, after more and more people who had been queuing outside managed to get in, I cornered a young unknown English man rolling something on the Jamie's Italy cookbook that rests atop our microwave.

"YOU CAN'T SMOKE THAT IN MY HOUSE!" I bellowed belligerently. "Unless you give me some."

Obligingly, he handed over the goods and apologised.

Later, paranoid and belligerent, I went into my room and cleverly hid my precious belongings in my chest of drawers beneath my undies and socks. Security sorted, I marched around and glowered as more people who were queuing at our door entered and promptly slipped over the ever-growing beer slick on our living room floor.

"It's slippery, you know!" I scoffed at some soul spread-eagled on the throbbing linoleum dancefloor. "And who do you know here, anyway?"

To the masses who I considered to be looking at me strangely, I would go up and inform: "It is a fancy dress party. These aren't my real clothes. I guess you'd know that if you'd been invited ... and who do you know here, anyway?"

At around 3.00, tired of constantly locking the door and observing to anyone who would listen that we didn't live in a tent, and if we did, I certainly wouldn't be camping in a place where crackheads could come in and steal all the stuff out of my chest of drawers, for Lord's sake; tired of asking people who they were and why were they here; and even more tired of banging on the bathroom door and telling the unknowns inside that they should go home and have sex in their OWN BATHROOM, I retreated to my bedroom with three friends. There, I jammed the door with a broom, jumped into bed and chatted amiably, and waited for the party to be over, ever watchful of the chest of drawers.

So, yes, the perfect hostess.

8 Comments:

At 10:10 PM, Anonymous kitschenette said...

the worst thing about having a party at your house is not being able to leave and go home when you want to - you're already home!...and facing up to the bloody awful mess in the morning

 
At 2:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if you're a milo bar fan, but they've changed the recipe. No longer does one get to choke of the delightful milo dust as you chomp into it... they've replaced it with some substance that bears no resemblence to milo at all... another Aussie tragedy.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger M-m-m-m-m-m-m-Momo said...

I am a milo bar fan. I think I tried one of those when I was at home in July. I have a vague memory of being outraged at something or other.

The mess was DIRE! But no real damage, thank goodness.

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger dani said...

cool,i've just found you're back via the horses mouth - how have i missed this?

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger flotiz said...

Oh momo, it is me! yes sweeetie!!! kak!

Pete is in sydney and is leaving an indelible mark, all over the place!
Hope you are well, love youuuuuuuuu...will always.... love youuuuuu.

Hi.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger Rach said...

Your parties sound ace, Miss Momo.

I hope London is treating you well.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Nina said...

That's why you throw parties at OTHER PEOPLE'S HOMES, never at your own. Duh!

 
At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Gemma said...

Hey there,

I'm still missing the original Milo Bar and I started up a petition today to try and bring it back.

Please sign and send to all you know!

http://www.gopetition.com/online/8963.html

 

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