Sunday, April 02, 2006

Behold! The greatness to come

Yesterday I began my detox diet in preparation for being the New Me. In my mind’s eye, the success of which will help me transcend my present unremarkable status to be not only able to fit into size 27 jeans, but will result in unfathomable coolness, allure, and an added 5 cm of height. Slenderizing my thighs and downsizing my arse will undoubtedly lead to an A-type personality expert in many areas from beat-boxing, quantum physics, Italian neo-realist cinema, banjo playing, and kickflipping. In all, I’ll be the greatest 30-year-old child prodigy that ever was.

Day one of the detox consisted of hot water and lemon; carrot juice; a surprisingly tasty health smoothie (apple juice, raspberries, blueberries, soy milk, cottage cheese, flaxseed oil, lecithin granules, and powdered concoction that I must remember isn’t called Soylent Green, but ‘Beyond Greens’, featuring all the green vegetable extracts one could possibly hanker for and more); a handful of almonds; some miso soup; and a salad consisting largely of alfalfa sprouts. This honest to goodness day of frugally righteous eating in the name of detox was peppered with 10 cigarettes … after quitting for a whole entire week. The irony of which hasn’t escape me.

Aside from that little quirk, I feel positively salubrious. If I keep this up for six weeks, with progressively fewer cigarettes, and a lotta exercise, this She’s All That makeover of mine …

HOT DAMN!

Black cab metres will stop ticking, red buses will stop between stops, the Houses of Parliament will empty, hooded youths will cease their antisocial shenanigans, Greenwich Mean Time will come to a grinding halt, and all 25 zillion CCTV cameras in London town will swivel in my direction. Together, the whole of London, nay Britain, will be gawping and exclaiming to one another in a particularly non-British way:

“HOT DAMN, SHE’S ALL THAT!”

In awe of the wonder that stands before them, a few befuddled souls will wonder aloud how exactly it is that I came to be so fine. Me, I’ll simply whip my Pantene hair from side to side, flash a blinding white smile, wave a manicured hand (holding a celebratory Bacon Double Cheeseburger Deluxe) and shrug:

“Good genes.”

End.

8 Comments:

At 6:24 AM, Blogger posthipchick said...

"The greatest 30-year old child prodigy that ever was": Best line EVER.

 
At 4:25 AM, Anonymous Kristi said...

Heh, I am currently in a similar situation to yours - at the beginning of a quest to slenderize my outta-shape self. So I wanted to wish you good luck - you can do eeet! And if you have any tips you can pass along, let me know, 'cause I'm not good at the whole not-eating-whatever-the-bloody-heck-I-want thing. :)

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger shanny said...

I've stumbled on your blog via shauny - how exciting! I was a lurker during the momofreaksout days, and was wondering if you had made it to London...happy days. :)

 
At 10:26 PM, Anonymous digit said...

Love the new layout, so clean.

You crack me up to no end, dont go changing on my account, im already awe struck.

Oh and your flickr link is broken fyi.

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger Mandy said...

Shit, why didn't I think of that? I'm toally stealing your plan. I'll take Canada, you take Britain. Deal?

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger boxen said...

heh, you & me both. and all I can ever summon for your comment box is 'gold, just gold'

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Greg said...

Strangely as i read your post i started feeling more and more hungry ...

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Tim Bos said...

Test

 

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